Winter Boots

I would like to write something profound or thought provoking as a reflection on my prayer journal writings, but the topmost thing on my mind is ordering my winter boots. This could be a continuum from my last post in which I talked about the winter anxiety I developed on my five and a half week stay in Indiana last February.  With the next winter visit approaching, I determined to do something to overcome this sort of ridiculous—but not completely ridiculous—winter anxiety.  For one, I am going to get myself some winter boots. Nice ones, warm and waterproof. I may not spend a lot of time outside-mainly shoveling snow and going between the doors and car, but it will be done warm, dry and stylishly. I mean I will not be trekking around taking winter hikes or walks through the neighborhood, but I do have a practical need for boots, and these will last for years with the amount of time they will be used. I also plan some other practical outerwear and touches to make the home cozier, like a wood-burning stove-look electric space heater.  I picture it and think, "Won’t it be delightful to have that little flickering (even if it’s fake) flame dancing and be toasty warm?" I have more lamps in my living room now so that will help too. I don't know if I have SAD (Seasonal Affective  Disorder), but I can identify with some of it. I’m glad I decided not to keep whining about winter and do something about it.

It turns out this is a commentary on my prayer journal after all. Here are some snippets from June 2, 2015, which had nothing to do with winter anxiety. It is a prayer journal so snippets may be all that goes public sometimes.

feeling uneasy | I'm sure I could have handled it better | a good attitude helps | for all I don’t understand it doesn’t matter. I’m your girl. You are the God Who made Heaven and earth and You can take care of this and me.

I see a connection.

Where's the happy ending?

5/29/2015-6/1/2015
Sorrow and confusion can't overtake me because God is greater | Feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Leaving to go back to Florida tomorrow likely the cause but I want to go back. My life is there too | even if it's still a roller coaster ride, it was a glimmer of hope. Because of the Lord I have hope | Sometimes I just want my mom and dad. I know God is better but I miss them.

I went a few dim days there and struggled. Coming and going to Florida and Indiana is no small feat for me, emotionally. I started the regular trips in January of 2015 when my grandson was about to be born. That first visit was a long one, five and a half weeks. I wanted to be there at least four weeks after he was born. What precious days those were-he is my heart! But at the same time I was up against some fierce winter weather and discovered on my second night there, the night before my grandson was to be born, that my car was leaking antifreeze. I was only a few blocks from home, but that “somebody help me” feeling took over the moment. It was cold, the car was off so no heat, I was alone, and discouraged. This car was supposed to be my friend here and was supposed to take me to the hospital for the baby’s birth the next day.  After calling my husband, I let the car cool off a while and, confidence in my car shot, headed home. That experience initiated winter anxiety that continued to develop during the rest of the visit. Almost daily snow and three snowstorms that shut the roads down, single digit and sub-zero temps, gray gloomy skies all seemed like monsters to battle. When I would recall those days I could feel them all over again. But the same way spring melts the winter down, time has settled my mind on the next winter visit; moreover, almost a year later all the back and forth is becoming a familiar cycle, more user-friendly. So, there it is, resolve, the closure, the solution—the happy ending. I just had to wait.

"My Life is Unusual..."

5/29/2015

My life is unusual, but God's hand is in it.

This was my premier prayer journal entry. Over 30 years ago when I returned to the faith of my childhood, believing in God and in Jesus and salvation by the cross, (commonly known and referred to as being a Christian), I felt impressed to write a daily journal of my faith. I think God was telling me to do that. I did for a little while but it fell by the wayside. It was forgotten for all these years until May of this year when I began searching for a Prayer Journal app for my phone because I was feeling down and had a notion that journaling would help. Again, I think God planted this idea. So I found the app and my story restarted. There is blessing in obedience and healing in prayer, which for me is just my journal telling what I did, what I’m doing, how I feel and stuff like that. To my surprise, journaling really did help my sad feelings and I gained perspective and illumination in all sorts of ways I sure wasn’t planning on. Everyone has their own journey, so I don’t expect to pass on anything that will revolutionize your life. And this isn’t all about my faith journey. It is also my mother’s heart speaking about my wonderful children and that glorious part of my life, the transition to the empty nest, marriage, big change, and ripening into middle age-I hope, gracefully.

PS The one-sentence premier journal entry was made two days before I flew back to Florida from visiting in Indiana. I moved to Florida from there in 2004. I have two daughters, a son-in-law and a grandson in Indiana, and my life is there and here. More on that later.