Intentional (in-TEN-shun-ul)

My word for 2020:

INTENTIONAL

definition: "done or made or performed with purpose and intent" (vocabulary.com)

I want to be intentional this year in my relationship with God, with everyone else, forgiveness, humility, my time, learning, and plans.

What I am doing (am doing, not going to do) to implement this is easy, believe it or not., so this will be a short read. Also, this is not a New Year's Resolution. Note-the method is simple, but maintaining the impetus to be intentional? Not so much. So, I am not trivializing it. I'm sure my method will evolve, but for now...

When I have any kind of negative response to any task, whether work, relational, or personal, I stop and ask myself, Are you being intentional? Or I just say Be intentional. 

It means I need to get up and do it-that workout, that email, that job. Or get on the phone and say it, or get my heart attitude right and handle my relationship moves with love, decisively. 

A short read, as promised!

#intentional #twentytwenty #Godfirst #stopnegativity #endprocrastination #productivity #purpose

My Christmas Blog Post

In recent years I've been struggling with celebrating Christmas. I love so many things and there's so much Christmas linked sentimentally or faithfully constructed into my very core.

Over time, by learning and searching, I discovered some building materials and I think it’s time to reconstruct.

1) I have outgrown the Baby-Jesus-in-a-manger warm fuzzy. I treasure the beauty, but there’s more there, there.
2) I have a track record of downplaying the Santa/commercial element having decided it was way, way, overblown in our culture to the point of replacing Jesus, ironically without Whom there would be no Christmas.
3) I cringe at the dearth of Christmas faith factors in our culture’s “Christmas Season” and shake my head at how instead it’s an excuse sometimes to do things that are—how can I say this—sinful.
4) Some things I always loved - trees and other heirloom traditions - have had roots in paganism. My strategy thus far has been to infuse them with meaning from the real Christmas.
5) I’ve learned about some neglected Biblical holidays I never learned to celebrate and now wonder if more emphasis needs to go there instead. More learning is needed. Potential exists for a big overhaul.

So, I've been trying to assemble and reassemble my approach and I feel like I'm forever falling short. How can I embrace all that I grew up on for Christmas and say it still has meaning? Jesus Christ, the Namesake of the Holiday, came to bring salvation, not by His arrival into the world of itself, but through an event many years after His birth. That event's mention is mysteriously lacking inclusion in Christmas traditions and weighted with emotional polarity to the Joy of Christmas: Jesus’ death on the cross.

But here I am again. I happen to be getting another Christmas newsletter (and this post) together thereby striking up my internal Christmas orchestra. In the back of my mind is a compulsory list of Holiday To-Dos starting with “Get the Christmas boxes out of storage”. And hovering in my mind is the memory my family who loved Christmas dearly, and passed all their love of the season on to me. It almost feels “wrong” to reinvent my approach to celebrating.

So I'm questioning.  Why do people celebrate? Sentimental reasons, it’s fun, (but also work), it brightens up gloomy colorless winter, and it unites us together with all the other celebrators whether or not they even acknowledge Jesus as Lord, in some kind of brotherhood-of-man feel-good way that may be just an illusion. Still, doesn’t it warm us to drive by strangers’ houses and see those colorful lights? To hear carolers at the mall? To be at once, overwhelmed and still impressed with all the massive, endless hustle-bustle big-deal being made and know it started when my Savior was born? Do you wonder, as I do, and silently hope there is a glimmer there, just a tiny one that maybe, maybe, everyone knows deep down there is a Greater One Who is the at the foundation of this cavalcade of stuff we do to celebrate Christmas?

Today I'm celebrating a normal post Hurricane Dorian day!

My Celebration Action will be:

• spending 10 minutes on my porch watching the birds and enjoying the view. (I put the porch furniture back out this morning, along with the bird feeders, flags, and little decorative stuff.)

• Donating to Bahamas relief

What Are You Going To Celebrate Today?

A little over a week ago I was inspired. I put a reminder on my phone calendar that says, “What are you going to celebrate today?” I set it to repeat daily. I’m calling it Celebrate Something. I got this idea one morning thinking about my birthday approaching, and how when we're young we look forward to celebrating birthdays. Even when we're older we look forward to dinner out or special plans. I thought, ‘Why can't we celebrate something every day and make something fun out of it?’  It seemed like a capital idea! This could be a way to spark encouragement and infuse meaning into every day!

Some of the things I have chosen to celebrate include:  positive character attributes, long-distance  planning/co-planning of four parties, learning to use a zero-turn lawn mower, progress on a home improvement project, good news from a doctor, dog and cat pets feeling better without going to the vet, my last day of being fifty-something, my actual birthday of course, having home church when our church’s services were cancelled due to weather, and Hurricane Dorians’s downgrades.

Once I pick Something to Celebrate, I decide on a Celebration Action. I made a rule to avoid things that cost money or edible treats for obvious reasons. My Celebration Actions have included: scrapbooking (of course!), making plans for a future fun event, doing techy/geeky stuff that doesn’t sound like fun to most people, and allowing myself some comp time when my day runs amok. I had one food treat, (other than my birthday) which was a bacon, egg and cheese croissant!

This has all the attributes of a God thing, does it not? I am giving Him the glory for this super great idea.

Try it! There is cause for rejoicing! #RejoiceClub

PS - Ideas for celebrating in free, creative ways that do not involve eating can be found online in articles like this, "23 Ways to Treat Yo'Self Without Buying or Eating Anything" on YesAndYes.org:

http://bit.ly/2ki4gzi 

You're welcome.😁

Those Were the Days - NOT!

That's an expression we all use, "Those were the days", when we are recollecting good times from long ago. I have lots of treasured memories from my past, but I can't say it was all good on my part. Current situation:  Likely people who know me would consider my lifestyle a "straight and narrow" variety—you know, I go to church, and don't do the Don't Dos. Lots of the people who know me now have no idea about anything from my distant past. In my early days as a teen and young adult, I literally lived for the weekends when I could do what I liked best: get drunk and smoke pot/weed. I was straight on the weekdays and was either in school and working part-time or full time.  Some people who I have shared this with tell me they can't imagine me smoking cigarettes, cussing, or getting drunk/stoned. And, anyone who knows my current entertainment filters would be surprised to see what was on my TV/movie menu back then. I thought I was OK because I was a nice person-friendly, trustworthy and responsible. I was not aggressive toward others, (I "wasn't hurting anyone".) I had been brought up to believe in God and Jesus, but fell away from it in high school because I wanted a social life. It seemed like it was worth it, and I justified my choice by my loneliness without a social life. Those initial decisions to do whatever it takes to be in a tribe led to more of the same until I wasn’t sure there was a God. I rationalized that by all kinds of arguments. I cannot regret enough my decision to turn away from God and the faith my parents taught me, and have paid the price. While I was away from God I always had moments when my “heart was pricked”.  One example is I would be returning from some kind of partying or on my way to it and see a little church on the roadside with cars parked out front. It would hit me that there was another world that I had left that was still there. I would feel it – and ignore it. Of course, God did not give up on me. His Holy Spirit was at work in ways that were subtle and some not so subtle to woo me and have me where He wanted me all along, in His family with a social life of His design that was way better than the one I had sacrificed too much to gain. One of His representatives, Carolyn Lattanzi, my then-coworker was on special duty to tell me what I needed to hear. She was preachin’ it: Jesus is the Savior and Mediator, the world is on a destruction course, and His Love for us. When I argued that I was not a bad person, she quoted the scripture that “our righteousnesses are as filthy rags”, (Isaiah 64:6).  That hit hard. Next to God’s righteousness, whatever “good” I think I am is still pretty shabby. I rejected and resisted until I had to admit there was truth in what she said. Game over. I had a dream one night that Jesus was coming and I knew “how to get there”. The next day I returned to following Christ. This was in 1981. I have never looked back since. I plan to keep moving forward and glorify Jesus Christ until I die.
This is quite a condensed version, but feel free to ask me questions.
- Mary Ann Stein Raulerson

My Epiphany Experience

When I suddenly notice what has forever been before me like a towering monument of truth, I am having an Epiphany. I am happy to announce, I Am Free! I am free of compulsion to model my life after my former vision of Success. How did this happen?

I have been guilty of borrowing someone else’s playbook to fulfill my dreams, hence obstructing my own vision. A series of recent, unrelated distressing events led to my epiphany experience. My day-to-day took on some burdensome alterations and my time was eaten up by these intrusions. I went for weeks without “normal life”. I was not aware that these circumstances removed me from my misplaced ambitions and that my values were evolving—until the circumstances ended. Now I see how God truly does work all things for my good, (I am a Christian and that is a paraphrased excerpt from my favorite Bible verse, Romans 8:28), even things that for the present, seem to be ruining plans and taking me off the rails.

Lessons Learned:

·         First, do not borrow other people’s playbooks no matter how much I admire them, how successful they are or how convenient it is.

·         Query my plans, hopes dreams. Am I trying to please someone, impress, make myself more of something, make myself into something? Is my self esteem involved? There are plenty of other questions to prayerfully consider.

·         Know that even prayer doesn’t always prevent a detour on the way to the answer.  In my case I think the answer to the prayer was the detour. It reminds me of a lesson from a childhood favorite. In the film, The Wizard of Oz, Glenda the Good Witch of the North allowed Dorothy to travel to Oz to use the power she already had in the ruby slippers. Glenda knew that the treacherous detour allowed Dorothy to realize there is no place like home. Detours can yield a lot of priceless learning.

·         Do not do something just because I can.

·         Take cues from those closest and most supportive.

·         When a light-up-the-sky moment occurs, take note. A light-up-the-sky moment is one that causes a brightening in emotions, a lightening of the load, inspiration and joy. Drop what I am doing and take note immediately. Follow and track like I am on a Treasure Hunt.

Put a Wreath On The Door

So here it is January 7 and my Christmas tree is still up. I've been looking at it and thinking, and I just decided to keep it up a while longer. For years I used to keep the tree up until Epiphany, January 6. That was tradition and I think I’ll revive it. Epiphany, for anyone who may not be familiar with it is the day to commemorate the visit to the Christ Child by the wise men from the East. It's the last official calendar day for Christmas holy days.

Looking at my tree, I also hesitated to take it down because of its presence. What else can I use to fill up that space where the twinkling colorful lit grandeur of my tree was? And it is a three-dimensional scrapbook, with mementos and dated ornaments galore.

So what to do? Is there still a reason to be festive, celebrate and be merry? I sure hope so. It can’t just end with the last piece of décor being packed away. So I will FIND reasons to celebrate, some that aren’t dependent on a calendar or a season. There may be no more tree, but I will hang a wreath on my door and celebrate!

P.S. I'm leaning toward a rag wreath. I have an old wreath form, fabric scraps are easy to come by and I am sure I can find a way to add some meaning and significance to each scrap - sort of like a quilt!

Here's a link with directions on how to make a rag wreath: Rag Wreath How-To

The Resurrection Just ENDED It (Death and Lots of Stuff)

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I read my devotions today, the same book I have been using since 2014. But there is always something new to learn, I guess! The devotion talked about Jesus' entry into Jerusalem when the crowds waved palm branches and greeted him with great joy. But it went on to say, "They did not know that their joy would lie in the grave with Him for three days."

At that point I  had a “Wait, what?” moment: “their joy would lie in the grave with Him for three days…” Joy lying in the grave, that was the breakthrough concept.  My joy lies in the grave until I recognize the potency of Jesus' resurrection; until that resurrection is awakened in me, recognized and seen and felt by me. His resurrection covers it. All the death in the world—hatred, unforgiveness, coldness, sickness, hardheartedness, misery, destruction, sadness, depression, and on and on—all that is death, including death, is overcome by one action, the resurrection of Jesus. It’s over, Death. It’s over, Heaviness. It’s over, Sad Memories. It’s over, Losses-that-are-irretrievable. It’s over, Guilt. It’s over, Anxiety. It’s over, Fear. It’s over, Sickness. It’s over, Sad Outcomes. It’s over,  Circumstances-beyond-my-control. It’s over, __________________ . Join me!

It may need to be repeated and relearned again and again for me, but I know truth when I see it and feel it.

"The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." - I Corinthians 15:56-7

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Me 'n' God in Our Place

That's what I love about having God in my life. Sometimes I want to close the world door, and the world windows and realize with my spirit that it's just The Lord and me. We're writing our own story. I have a secret place with Him.

I may not be praying. I may not be having "quiet time". Other people may be in the room talking, even to me. It's really better than quiet time. Quiet time is hard to come by, as we all well know. When I was a young mom with one two or three kids, it was near impossible to get into a "prayer closet". I used to listen to preachers talk about such a thing and marvel at the prospect, feeling woefully spiritually inadequate. For goodness sake, I was fortunate to be able to go to the bathroom for a few minutes! Now my kids are grown and I have more time and freedom to seclude myself during prayer. But I lost something if that's my "God time". All the time is God time.

 This Secret Place Is is afforded to anyone who is a friend of Jesus, so if you have not, please seek him out and find that He is waiting for you there. (Psalm 91:1 "He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty",  and   John 15:13-15: "...greater love than this hath no one, that any one his life may lay down for his friends; ye are my friends, if ye may do whatever I command you;  no more do I call you servants, because the servant hath not known what his lord doth, and you I have called friends, because all things that I heard from my Father, I did make known to you." 

This God place fosters a full-time reverence and mindfulness for what He wants and what His wishes are; and an aversion to what He does not like. Just knowing with a peace only He can be about, that it's a place I own and God is in it; He grants me that, is purely awesome.

I Desperately Need to Remind Myself of the Source of My Joy

I didn't expect this list to be this long! The more I wrote, the more I thought, the more I realized how many things I have been guilty of relying on for joy outside of the LORD. ("In Your [the Lord's] presence is fullness of joy." Psalm 16:11) I'm writing it down with verbiage for universal application so everyone can relate. My commitment:

The source of my joy is not my health, (physical, mental, spiritual).

The source of my joy is not my age.

The source of my joy is not my income.

The source of my joy is not my family or loved ones.

The source of my joy is not my church.

The source of my joy is not my job or business.

The source of my joy is not my spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend.

The source of my joy is not my activities and hobbies.

The source of my joy is not my stuff.

The source of my joy is not my SELF.

The source of my joy is not the weather.

The source of my joy is not the season.

The source of my joy is not food.

The source of my joy is not any other consumable item.

The source of my joy is not my vacations.

The source of my joy is not my weekends/free time.

The source of my joy is not my most cherished hobby (scrapbooking for me).

The source of my joy is not my success.

The source of my joy is not my accomplishments.

The source of my joy is not any status in my life.

The source of my joy is not monetary gain/money in any form.

The source of my joy is not in other like-minded people. This includes fellowship for us Christians.

The source of my joy is not entertainment/sports.

The source of my joy is not social media.

The source of my joy is not cultural enrichment.

The source of my joy is not education.

The source of my joy is not in volunteering.

The source of my joy is not in giving.

The source of my joy is not in how I treat others with kindness and courtesy.

The source of my joy is not self-enrichment, self-improvement, or professional development.

The source of my joy is not my healthy lifestyle.

The source of my joy is not my choices.

The source of my joy is not in my accrued experience.

I think I will just close with this:

The source of my joy is not _____________________(fill in the blank with WHATEVER)

My Little Faith Story

Foundationally (the bottom line) is Someone made all this. Too many intricate, diverse  and insanely well organized systems for it to all be anything but Intelligent design. Historically:  A precious gift handed down from my parents. Personally: A conversation with that mysterious Someone Who does things I don't always understand, but the fact that He is the Someone that made all this silences my "But what about?"s  My Point of Reference: 1. The Bible. It has a human factor, but the accuracy is there in its history and it's  rich with wisdom and truth. 2. Creation, the work of this Intelligent Design Master - I just look around and marvel but I also get to know Him by what He made. So that all is the Why and the Who. But there is more. The What. I am not Him, my life and stuff I do can never match Him that is the reason I need the Bridge. I fail, I fail and sometimes I don't even know it until after the fact. So He made a Bridge,a way for me to succeed. He made a Way and the Way is Jesus, who deletes my failures AKA sin.  I SURELY do not understand the whole "salvaion story" - I don't get why it had to be the way it was. But I DO get that I have and will continue to fail (AKA sin) so I might as well stop catering to that and accept a little help, no actually a lot of help, all the help I need. He died to save me and He helps me because I let him, by leading and guiding and giving me a PEACE and JOY I cannot adequately describe with words. I could write more, and I can definitely elaborate and go into my whole "How did I get saved" story, feel free to ask.
So that is - my Little Faith Story.

Days Are Getting Shorter.

It’s that time of year again, gets darker earlier in the evening and we wait longer for daylight in the morning. Then we have the Time Change weekend coming up and I know that throws a lot of folks off. Personally, I like the Fall Back because we get an extra hour of sleep. But the darker cold weather months can affect me and others mentally.  And there are some therapeutic measures to take—here’s a list: Scented Candles, more lights on (LED bulbs burn less energy), decorate for Fall and don’t stop after Christmas. My favorite winter perk-up is an electric fireplace or stove with the flickering flames. Yes it does help. Foremost, stay your mind on the Best, the Giver of life and Light of the world.* 

*”You will keep perfectly peaceful the one whose mind remains focused on you, because he remains in you,” said Isaiah the prophet in his 26^th chapter. 

My Go-To For When Things Are Just Not Right

This is not necessarily an every day all day kind of situation. My life is full of all kinds of moments day to day. Some are mundane, some are challenging, some are bright and cheery. But then I get that phone call or that memory or that whatever it is  that makes me feel very small against the problem. For example:

I am live witness to a manifestation of sin and it saddens me. I hate when it is that in-my-face, run-me-over type manifestation. I feel helpless. I flail uselessly, recalling better times, wishing, praying wondering why. What a vain struggle. I give that overwhelming concern to the Lord. (I need to repeat this like an exercise, as it's not a One and Done kind of thing.)  When my role or sphere of influence is non-existent or diminished The Lord can handle  it and take it from here. His roles never change. Oh Hallelujah!

Note: In the scripture quoted below, my concept of the enemy is whatever situation that I'm dealing with that  is "Just Not Right", not a person or spiritual entity.

"When the enemy comes in like a flood, The Spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against him." Isaiah 59:19

Good Friday-How it Works for Me

And it’s a cloudy Good Friday. Good Fridays gone by, growing up Roman Catholic, I attended the observance at church. I see now it is called a Solemn Liturgical Service, but I think it was called something else when I was young. I love my Roman Catholic roots even though I am in a non-Catholic church now. I remember the Catholic Good Friday event included Stations of the Cross. If you have never attended one, it is very enriching and moving. My view of Christian staples like church services, dogma and doctrine have radically changed in the last five years. I even have different thoughts about watching dramatizations about what transpired on Good Friday. But mainly, I am so not about this being about religion. Religion as defined by me: doing things solely because of tradition and/or doing things in an effort to please God and/or doing things out of compulsion/subversion without your heart in it. What happened on Good Friday was horrific and extremely frightening, I think. I really do not want to replay it. I'm not a huge Beatles fan, but the following familiar lines from "Help" describe me then and now, and the main reason for Good Friday - I need help.  A Savior helps; he comes to Help and Help is what I need.

When I was younger, so much younger than today, I never needed anybody's help in any way.  But now these days are gone I'm not so self-assured.  Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the door-John Lennon.

Before I knew how much I needed Jesus, when I was 21, I accepted His help.  Life happened and I took my hits and with years came a keen and desperate awareness of how much I did need Help. I have never looked back.

So, what Good Friday's event did for me and what it means to me, that’s something I do want to replay because I want and need help. Personally and publicly I would like to thank Jesus for helping me. 

Weaving

remember these?

When I started this blog I wanted it to be reflections on my prayer journal going back a few months. Whenever I reread what I wrote I am pleasantly surprised and pleased at my progress, no bragging, just simply, the journaling works! So I am going to bring the old journal entries full circle with today in this and future posts. “Only God can take my jumble of random thoughts and feelings and make any sense of them”. (July 2015)

I will be doing some scrapbooking today.  Scrapbooking, like weaving past struggles now overcome, with the present, is therapeutic. I recollect and reflect. My heart and core is “Mother” so that dimension surfaces often. My mother was part and parcel the same way. She was a mom at heart and spoke of things mother often. And she was an encyclopedic resource of child-rearing information for me. Ever get a power surge of emotion from something incidental? I was looking up the name of my favorite cologne maker, Estee Lauder, specifically “Estee”, and had a surge of emotion from the old days of picking out baby names. Really? But we have to pay attention to ourselves. From this I learned that I am not making all this up about this mom stuff, it’s just IN me.

I learn from scrapbooking. In their grown-up selves and when viewing their old photos and mementos, I see elements of myself in each of my children, little glimmers. Things they say or do, like punctuation, direct me to the origin, which is myself. Oh that is me in them, I say to myself with surprise.  And interestingly, each seems to have captured different elements of me. I wonder what would have happened if I continued to have more than three kids—would I know even more about myself through them?

Scrapbooking also is restorative. I have real estate that is my property and I rejoice that it is MINE ALL MINE and no one and no thing can take it away! That is such a good feeling and a powerful one too. I can call this Mental Scrapbooking, no Hobby Lobby purchase required. Remind yourself that what God has given no one can take away, no circumstance, no life event, no loss, no one.

Now, here's dichotomy or irony or something like that for you. As good as it is for me, I have to force myself to do my scrapbook. Why? More on that later. But for now, another quote that can apply to that dilemma or lots of other stuff too: “It's hard work... But I'm going to do it.” (July 2015) By the grace of God

Not Less Than

I remember when my mom and dad had just moved into my home in 1996, when my daughters were ages 11 years, 6 years and 5 months. One day my dad said, "I've lived here long enough to know that you put in a full day". I can't express how gratifying it was to hear those words. I was a stay-at-home mom at the time and I knew in my heart that that was true, but I desperately needed that affirmation. Today, much change later, even with no little ones in the home I hear, understand and know that what I do is meaningful. So when I read my journal prayer from last June, "One day I will wake up on a work day and not feel inadequate. In Jesus Name", I realize I now have been experiencing God, my heavenly Dad, restoring those years. If I ever am feeling "less than", I remind myself I am esteemed—my DAD says so.

Reflections on journal June 18-29, 2015

Out of the Puzzle and Into the Pool

That was how I ended one of my journal entries. So I decided to make something out of it. I made an acronym. The puzzle was all my questions and wonderings and the pool was life. So:

Plan

Overcome what you can

Overlook what you can’t overcome

Live

Planning means I'm going to do something about something and I'm going to decide what I'm going to do even if it’s one thing.

Overlook. I've made great strides in the last year. With God’s help, most of this can be attributed to:  just stop the striving. Watching my old self through my journal, I looked like a helpless puppy trying to get out of a ditch. Over and over, the same struggle. Giving up is sometimes the best solution. It’s so peaceful to give up and have confidence in God to take care of me. Whatever the current immovable object is-illness, getting older, x situation - if I took a cross section of my life at any given time, would I love everything? So no sense in rebelling against the here and now.

Overcome. Once again, I can’t do this myself. A lot of people are doing life without God, I know. They are making money/have friends/success/happiness. For all practical purposes, they seem to have a good life. I was one of those so I know. But I was using other means to overcome and they were just not healthy. I paid for that and still pay. So, God is a better choice. Yay God! My need for Him trumps all.

Live. Where are you emotionally entrenched? If it's the place you want to be, Live there. If not, remodel, redecorate and make it yours. Sometimes you need to hire the Emotional Moving Van and get on down the road to your emotional Dream House. This is not about a literal change in living situation. This is about where and how you invest. Sometimes it may be necessary to take action but always, we are in charge of our emotional landscape.  Even if hindered by circumstances, we have some control.

Prove you are living. Sometimes things just get better and it’s hard to tell if I overcame or the tide turned for the good. What if it was taken away again? Would I crumble or remember this progress and triumph again? I'm only human so I don’t know. But I want to go on living and proving.

My Mathematical Prayer: Please subtract from my life everything that doesn't belong, add what is missing, multiply what remains and divide by One.

Reflections on June 8-17, 2015

Distance Life

I just returned from one of my seasonal trips to Indiana, my other home. Traveling back and forth can be a grind, but I must like it because I’m looking up flights for the next trip. It takes 2 hours and 10 minutes to get from Jacksonville to Chicago, but that is not what actually happens. Time is invested in getting to and from airports, checking in, waiting in the airport and getting luggage. I would love to walk out my front door and be at my destination in the 2 hours and 10 minutes it actually takes to get there!  So, I redeem the time. I do work on my laptop, play a game or read on my Kindle app on my iPad. Or I muse, gazing out the window, at the topography, roads, buildings and clouds (I always try to get a window seat). At takeoff, I become like a child as I listen to the jet engines accelerate, the plane goes from dead stop or slow crawl to whooshing, forceful “V_r”(rotation speed) which is a fun 200 or so mph. Then the giant metal thing actually angles up from the runway and leaves the ground! Yes, I still marvel.

While in the air, my thoughts, when not amusing myself with my previously mentioned activities go here and there:  What do I need to do or plan to do once I arrive at whichever home I’m headed to, reminisces of mothering days and wistful empty nest thoughts, my erstwhile question of what am I supposed to be doing or doing differently in my occupation.

Sometimes I wonder if I am pursuing my passion. That’s what I keep hearing about from one speaker or blogger or another. I am kind of diverse so I am not always sure what it is. Being a mom is a major but I, er, have been laid off due to lack of work. Haha. No really, I am being humorous. I like scrapbooking . So that would be arranging all the pictures and mementos of motherhood days, huh. Bingo, there we are again. But I do love scrapbooking and would like to do more of it.

While away I live in our house alone until my husband joins me for the last week of the trip. I used to consider myself a loner because I don’t need constant interaction. I now know better. I like having people around even though any/all people = drama. Right?  It's quite a paradox. I have gained a whole new respect for folks who live alone. My Aunt Rose lived alone almost 50 years from the time her husband died until she passed away at age 101. And she didn’t even have a pet! How did she do it? I have had to grow in that area and God has helped me progress.

Distance Life. For the last 12 years, it has been my life, and I have gone through lots of phases.  This last year of traveling to and fro three or four weeks at a time in Indiana several times during the year feels like my reward for the struggle. Takeaway is God has helped me with it and through it all. He is good and really does make all things work together for my good. (Romans 8:28)

Winter Boots

I would like to write something profound or thought provoking as a reflection on my prayer journal writings, but the topmost thing on my mind is ordering my winter boots. This could be a continuum from my last post in which I talked about the winter anxiety I developed on my five and a half week stay in Indiana last February.  With the next winter visit approaching, I determined to do something to overcome this sort of ridiculous—but not completely ridiculous—winter anxiety.  For one, I am going to get myself some winter boots. Nice ones, warm and waterproof. I may not spend a lot of time outside-mainly shoveling snow and going between the doors and car, but it will be done warm, dry and stylishly. I mean I will not be trekking around taking winter hikes or walks through the neighborhood, but I do have a practical need for boots, and these will last for years with the amount of time they will be used. I also plan some other practical outerwear and touches to make the home cozier, like a wood-burning stove-look electric space heater.  I picture it and think, "Won’t it be delightful to have that little flickering (even if it’s fake) flame dancing and be toasty warm?" I have more lamps in my living room now so that will help too. I don't know if I have SAD (Seasonal Affective  Disorder), but I can identify with some of it. I’m glad I decided not to keep whining about winter and do something about it.

It turns out this is a commentary on my prayer journal after all. Here are some snippets from June 2, 2015, which had nothing to do with winter anxiety. It is a prayer journal so snippets may be all that goes public sometimes.

feeling uneasy | I'm sure I could have handled it better | a good attitude helps | for all I don’t understand it doesn’t matter. I’m your girl. You are the God Who made Heaven and earth and You can take care of this and me.

I see a connection.

Where's the happy ending?

5/29/2015-6/1/2015
Sorrow and confusion can't overtake me because God is greater | Feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Leaving to go back to Florida tomorrow likely the cause but I want to go back. My life is there too | even if it's still a roller coaster ride, it was a glimmer of hope. Because of the Lord I have hope | Sometimes I just want my mom and dad. I know God is better but I miss them.

I went a few dim days there and struggled. Coming and going to Florida and Indiana is no small feat for me, emotionally. I started the regular trips in January of 2015 when my grandson was about to be born. That first visit was a long one, five and a half weeks. I wanted to be there at least four weeks after he was born. What precious days those were-he is my heart! But at the same time I was up against some fierce winter weather and discovered on my second night there, the night before my grandson was to be born, that my car was leaking antifreeze. I was only a few blocks from home, but that “somebody help me” feeling took over the moment. It was cold, the car was off so no heat, I was alone, and discouraged. This car was supposed to be my friend here and was supposed to take me to the hospital for the baby’s birth the next day.  After calling my husband, I let the car cool off a while and, confidence in my car shot, headed home. That experience initiated winter anxiety that continued to develop during the rest of the visit. Almost daily snow and three snowstorms that shut the roads down, single digit and sub-zero temps, gray gloomy skies all seemed like monsters to battle. When I would recall those days I could feel them all over again. But the same way spring melts the winter down, time has settled my mind on the next winter visit; moreover, almost a year later all the back and forth is becoming a familiar cycle, more user-friendly. So, there it is, resolve, the closure, the solution—the happy ending. I just had to wait.